What is it about having a child that disrupts marital bliss?
Sleepless nights, constant needed-ness, lack of time, hormones, inability to be alone - not to mention pee alone, physical pain, increased mental load, identity change, stress of doing it right, extra household chores… I could keep going here, but is it the combination of everything or a few things in particular?
We have experienced all of these situations outside of having children, but somehow none of that compares.
Is it the accumulation? Or maybe the duration? It’s not just exam week, or your in-laws visiting. It’s both at the same time. And more. For the next two decades.
“Okay, but then what? Do I just have to stick it out and hope for the best? Or is there something I can do to “protect” my marriage?”
If you’re a parent you know that a child can put a wrench into the strongest of partnerships. So is there anything you can do to try to stay connected?
→ We have an article that covers 5 ways to go from Conflict to Connection integrating the work of Esther Perel, the advice of a hostage negotiator, and the 5 love languages.
But today, we’re going to get really basic with some daily practices that you can put in place to keep the fire alive - or at least the pack of matches in your back pocket.
Touch, Time and Communication
There are 7 facets of romantic relationships; couple interaction and communication, intimacy, time spent together, sexuality, passion, need fulfilment, and relationship ideals. (Bühler et al. 2021)
Passion tends to decline for the majority of couples, need fulfilment and relationship ideals are more personal, and sex is complicated. When you have small kids, you have enough on your plate so let’s focus on the straightforward facets, because that already can make a difference; couple interaction and communication, intimacy and time spent together. Touch, Time and Communication.
#1 Increase physical touch
A touch on the back when you pass each other in the kitchen, a kiss every time someone leaves the house or comes home, a hug after the kids are in bed. Can you have 5 physical touches a day?
#2 Every minute counts
This can be really hard, especially in the throws of postpartum. But try to make it easier. You don’t need to go out for date night - although that would be lovely. Can you take a bath together? Discuss work day while folding laundry together? Sit outside once the kids are asleep and look at the stars while drinking tea or glass of wine? It all counts.
#3 Communicate without a solution
You don’t need to have an agenda or bullet point list when you talk to your partner about how you are feeling. At least for me, I want to be organized when I bring up a feeling or situation with my husband, but actually I should just go for it. First of all, my husband tends to already know what the issue is. And even if he doesn’t just stating something simple like, “this morning when I was trying to make my coffee and you asked me to pack the snacks, I felt upset” is okay. You can explore why together, and what to do for next time.
Secondly, know yourself. If you are someone that needs time to digest or think during a conflict then say that. Repeat back what your partner has brought to the table, tell them that you will reflect on it and give them a time when you will be ready to discuss further.
Communication is not about having the answers, it's about starting the conversation.
→ Read more: 3 step plan to share the mental load and 3 simple ways to avoid feeling disconnected from your husband after baby
Limit maternal gatekeeping
“Don’t get mad when he messes up with the baby. If he puts the diaper on backwards or both legs into one pant leg, kindly show him how to do it for next time and thank him for helping out.” This was one of the best pieces of advice I received during my first pregnancy.
You and your partner are a team and you both have things to learn about being a parent. Maybe you are better at changing diapers and he is better at playing dress-up. That’s great. Learn from one another. Grow together.
Do not set rigid standards, or too high expectations. If a diaper leaks because it was on backwards, who cares- it’s just clothes and poop. He can put it on right next time. Share responsibility. You cannot do it all alone. By correcting all the time, or micromanaging, your partner will feel that they can’t do anything right and may stop trying. That’s the worst possible scenario.
This “mothers' reluctance to relinquish responsibility over family matters by setting rigid standards” is one component of maternal gatekeeping, which inhibits greater father involvement in family work. Try to avoid this.
Perspective
Also keep in mind, “relationship satisfaction decreased from age 20 to 40, reached a low point at age 40, then increased until age 65, and reached a plateau in late adulthood.“ (Bühler et al. 2021)
It’s an everything time - family life, career growth, reaching financial goals, creating stability and routines. Keep trying, keep communicating and stay on the same team.
Until next time,
Erica
