In the same way that our body, hormones, values and relationships change in adolescence as we become adults, we again transform in matrescence, when we become a mother.
Matrescence, noun.
- the physical, emotional, hormonal and social transition of becoming a mother
- a developmental passage where a woman transitions, through pre-conception, pregnancy and birth, surrogacy, or adoption to the postnatal period and beyond; coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael
- the process of becoming a mother is largely unexplored in the medical community
Just like adolescence, this is a period of time. It is not an overnight transformation, and it is painful in the same way that all change is pain. We are shedding old values, old relationships, old ways of existing. We are discovering new sources of meaning and energy, different people that “get us” and an entirely new identity just as we did in our teens.
Recent work on matrescence
There has been a lot of interest in this topic recently. To list a few - a book written as a combination of memoir and scientific investigation as well as scientific research exploring cognitive changes and psychiatry.
Most interesting to me (since I studied neuroscience) is that our brains actually restructure after giving birth. Scientists can look at two MRI scans and tell which one is a mother and which one is not. Insane.
As any parent knows,
“The hormonal fluctuations of pregnancy, birth, and lactation initiate rapid and extreme physiological transformations that are
unparalleled across the lifespan. These biological changes are accompanied by a dynamic restructuring of the physical, emotional, and social environment.”
Orchard ER et al. 2024.
After birth our brains are more attuned to infant noises and information
I distinctly remember this after the birth of my first son. I would be out to dinner with my husband - so excited for a mini-escape! - but my brain could only store and repeat the time that my son had eaten, pooped and fallen asleep.
I would even prep by reading a little news article, but by the time we were out my brain would always be back to my son’s next need. This was incredibly frustrating and I worried I would never be able to switch off the cognitive mom-mode.
6 years later - no it didn’t take quite that long … but there were 2 other kids in that time too - I can tell you that it does change. I can’t say that there is an off-switch for me, but the background chatter does quiet and with the help of many lists and reminders, I can focus on tasks un-related to motherhood.
Being a parent actually increases your brain’s “power” for the long term
In the same way that challenges in general – social activity, higher education, or knowledge of foreign language – offer cognitive protection. Parents’ brains are more resilient to illness, aging, damage and cognitive decline later in life.
Parenthood and pregnancy restructure your brain in amazing ways
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So what?
Language allows an experience to be real. If we all use one word for this same concept, then we can share and learn more about it. Knowing that matrescence is a physiological process for all parents, will hopefully alleviate some mom-guilt. Understanding that actually a mother is not born when a baby is born, but a mother is in the process of becoming.
I truly felt this fall, when my baby turned 2, that a new era was beginning. For me, for my relationships and for my family. The mental charge is more predictable and the moments of stress less overwhelming. I am more willing to ask for help and have established routines in place (babysitters and a food delivery service, in our case) that allow my husband and I to have some free time and some together time.
Have you reached this second chapter?
If not, know that it will come to you one day,
Erica
