With Thanksgiving officially in the rear-view mirror, it is full on Christmas. The MOST time of the year. Maybe you will be travelling to see family, or hosting extended family in your home, maybe you will just have more time at home with your children. Regardless of what your holiday season entails it will be a change from the daily routine, and as we all know that can lead to dysregulated little (and big) people.
→ If you don’t have four minutes to read, then remember these three quick resets and be on your way: take a sip of fresh air (literally go outside), listen to a favorite song, or hold (and maybe drink if you have time) a warm beverage.
#1 Personal Space
We all know that your routine is about to blow up, but we often forget about the lack of personal space that also comes with extended family, busy schedules and merry-making. Remember that you can step away to read a chapter, go for a run, or take a shower and blow dry your hair. You do not have to be a permanent installation on the sofa afraid to miss one second of “together-time.”
Same goes for your children.
Remind them before you go somewhere that they may want to have some alone time and that they can come to you and ask for it when they are ready. Being with cousins or adults asking them to behave, or in new places in fancy clothes taking pictures is a lot. Prepare your children for what is going to be asked of them in each new environment. And then, be their voice and excuse them from overwhelm.
#2 Touch Trees
Building from above and the comfort of routine - think of an item or routine that you can maintain. Maybe it's a stuffy, or maybe it's a lullaby. Ask older children to pick out a favorite book, or a small game that you can bring with you. This way when they need some alone time they can have their comfort item from home.
I personally do not maintain our nightly routine when we are away from home or have guests, but I keep some key elements in there. For my 2 yr old we sing the same song, and I have just started to sing a new song that my parents know in preparation for our time with them at Christmas. This way when they sing it he will feel at home in their home. For my older kids, the nighttime story often gets pushed aside or replaced by a movie while the adults enjoy adult time and that’s okay. Don’t fear that changing your routine on vacation will mean that children can’t adapt once they’re back home. They can have more sweets, and more TV, and also understand that this is a special time and it wont continue at home.
Bring a touch-tree for yourself too. Maybe you won’t have a gym where you’re going or time to get there if you are hosting, but pack your mini-bands, or schedule in your yoga class. Maintain the schedules that keep you sane while also knowing that if you want to take time off, that’s okay too.
#3 Clear is Kind
Sugar-coating, people-pleasing or evading questions may seem polite, but I believe that clear is kind and unclear is unkind. Be direct while explaining your desires/motivations/needs. Intimate relationships are comforting when we feel that we are truly known and truly know someone else. That can only happen if you authentically share. (Although I believe this I am still working on implementing it ... baby steps.)
“Want to go on a tacky light tour?”
- “Love the idea of showing the kids, but we would rather play a board game. My family will join for one house nearby and then we'll head home”
“Wow, the table is set so nicely.”
- “Thank you, we had fun getting it ready. Could I ask for your help to take care of preparing the children’s table?”
Exception: Receiving Gifts. I do think we need to model unconditional thanks and teach our children to say thank you and nothing else if they don’t have anything kind to say about the present they received. I tell my children that they can always tell me and their father what they think in private but we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings in public. We talk about how they would feel if they worked really hard on a drawing and gave it to someone who said “this is ugly” or “I don’t like it.”
I read this in the NY Times newsletter this morning and loved it. I am going to do a round at our immediate family Christmas party to prepare for the extended family Christmas experience.
“I invented a game inspired by my nephew’s not-so-subtle distaste for a Christmas gift: the Stinky Gift Game. Each family member was given a grocery bag and instructed to rummage through the house to find the worst possible item to give as a gift, like a pencil with no eraser.
We exchanged bags, and the receiver had to say at least one complimentary thing about the item (“Oh! You know I have too many erasers and not enough pencils — thanks so much!”)
After playing the game, they did at least learn to say something complimentary and thank the gift giver. — Tracy Williams, Cypress, Tex.
Let this be your mantra: "I will maintain my sanity and speak up for my people"
You go glen coco,
Erica
