Expectations, anticipation, anxiety, suspense. We can probably all agree that Waiting is not Easy (as per the title of one of my favorite children's books). Yet, there is a lot we can teach ourselves and our children about this season of waiting.
There are many similar quotes and none that I find with a consistent author to credit, but the idea is, “Happiness is the path, not the destination.” Duh, you say to yourself, but actually internalizing it is different. This time of year I find it particularly relevant and difficult.
This whole season - whether you are religious or not - is building up to one day, December 25th. There is a very clear destination that we are conditioned to believe will be the climax of an entire month of preparation.
If you are the merry-maker in your family you are busy buying presents, writing lists and planning activities. The busy-ness can be fun, but it can also be overwhelming and divert your energy away from your people. Let everyone help, even if you can do it better. Let the cookies be imperfectly sized, because the kids rolled them too. Let the presents be lumpy and mismatched, because the kids did the gift wrapping. Get ready 10 minutes earlier, so that your two year old can put on his own Christmas outfit too.
Show your imperfection
If you scroll through Instagram you are bombarded with an influx of things you could do or buy to bring that extra ounce of joy that your family deeply needs. Even if you manage to avoid social media, you want everyone to look nice on Christmas, and the cookies to be tasty and pretty. And to ensure that happens you must be a perfectionist, no?
Anti-perfectionism is already something I focus on at home because my 6-year old is very hard on himself. I do this by sharing my mistakes and focusing on learning.
- If I forget to buy something at the grocery store I tell him and then verbalize my process of finding a replacement ingredient at home or changing things up. While doing this, I don’t insult myself or add an excuse. I just state that I forgot something and that it happens to everyone.
- I love baking and I always follow recipes, but my kids always want to crack the eggs and use the measuring spoons. My insides used to twitch, but now we have some strategies. We use a separate egg bowl, where they can crack the eggs then we can look for and remove any shell together, and they can hold the measuring spoon when it’s something that I need to accurately pour. They will never learn to crack an egg if they don’t practice and it may dirty some extra bowls, but counting and measuring, scooping and stirring and seeing what it takes to make a cake all are parts of the path.
There are so many steps involved in making a cake - finding the recipe, making the shopping list, doing the shopping, preparing the batter, doing the dishes, baking, and decorating. Celebrating little triumphs and problem-solving setbacks is how we teach ourselves and our kids resilience.
I did still shed a tear this Thanksgiving when my pumpkin roll got a big crack in it upon rolling, but my 4 year old consoled me and told me we could hide it with icing. Even when we fail, they learn.
Unmet Expectations: Plan for the post-party feeling
Every Christmas, I end up a bit angry and tense. And it’s always because of the if statements running through my head. “If it was my granddaughter, I would have taken her during mass when she got fussy … If we were with the other in-laws, we would be drinking champagne and dancing to Christmas songs right now … If someone had helped me earlier, the kids would be asleep and I would be relaxed.”
Some may be true. Some are definitely not true.
All of them are impossible to know. All of them are out of my control.
I try to follow Tracee Ellis Ross' advice and ask myself, “How do I want to feel after?” The best answers are concrete things that are in my control:
- I want to have had a 1-on-1 with Aunt Gwenn
- I want to have taken a family photo
Often things can sneak in that are out of your control. But if you notice them, you already feel better; and sometimes you can make a plan to avoid the unmet expectation hangover:
“I want to have candid photos of me with the kids”
- When you’re going to bake the cookies or read the Christmas story, tell your husband and ask him to sneak in and snap some shots. Make it concrete and timely. Don’t tell your husband on the drive to your parents on Dec 21st that some spontaneous pictures of you and the kids would be nice. He will forget. Then you will be mad. Make it so that everyone can win.
“I want someone to tell me I look nice”
- Do you want your sister to tell you this? Or your husband? Or do you just want to feel good in your outfit? If it is a particular person then involve them in the planning. Show them some choices and flat out ask. Tell them it’s important to you. It may feel silly, but there is no shame in honesty, and they will probably be flattered that their opinion matters to you. If it's a you thing, schedule the manicure or the haircut or the time you need to do your makeup on Christmas day.
Wishing you inner peace and outward love this season,
Erica
